http://www.theevolvingself.com
http://www.theevolvingself.com
presentsThe Evolving Self
When growth is the only option...

The Evolving Self is an e-newsletter that reflects the belief that growth is a choice that can bring an ever deepening and expanding awareness of who we are and what we are here for. The reader can expect affirmations, quotes, book reviews, insightful commentary and tips that support the growth of the individual.

Affirmation: I act in my own best interest by setting healthy boundaries.

Quote: "When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time." -Maya Angelou

Newsletter archives:

July 2020 - Hidden Landmines/Self-Examination

June 2020 - The Stolen Voice/Loving Yourself

May 2020 - In Hiding/Journaling

Certified Aromatherapist

I am a Clinical Aromatherapist, which means I am qualified to work in a healhcare setting as an Aromatherapist and of course, to make custom blends to address various health concerns and skin issues. Many aromatherapy blends also have a quality of emotional support.

A few of the blends I have made recently:

  • Anti-viral lotion (it helps hydrate amidst all the hand-washing)
  • Hair thickener
  • Muscle cramp oil
  • Arthritis blend
  • Hand sanitizer with or without alcohol
  • B'Itch Balm (effective with hives)

If you are interested in any of these or custom blends to support your physical and/or emotional health and/or coaching along with aromatherapy solutions, please email me at jaqui@lifecompass.org.

Contact me to get your own custom blend!

Changing the Rules

When we interact with people, whether it is our family, friends or work relationships, we unconsciously establish agreements about how we will treat each other and the roles we will play for each other. We also establish our levels of power. The level of power you perceive yourself to have is a direct result of your beliefs about your own worthiness and deserving. 

Because of my early life experiences, I perceived myself as having little power relative to others. As a result, I established a pattern of "serving" others in my relationships. For example, I had a friend in highschool who I "served" by telling her what she wanted to hear. Whenever a boy rejected her, I blamed him or the other girl he ran off with. I pumped up her self-esteem, told her she was right and didn't set boundaries even when I didn't feel like doing what she wanted to do.

Eventually I started to feel resentful. As part of my lifelong efforts to heal and grow, I started to change the rules. My highschool friend didn't react well to this. Why would she? She had a good thing going. She became more demanding, more clingy, more reactive, all in an effort to get me to revert back to my original behavior.

When we change the rules in a relationship, people tend to feel threatened. They can't count on getting from you what they are used to getting. They feel abandoned when you start setting boundaries and they suddenly feel powerless because you have literally taken back your power. Another example of this comes from the movie, "Something Borrowed."

Darcy, played by Kate Hudson is a loud, brash, self-centered person. Her best friend, Rachel, played by Ginnifer Goodwin is a total doormat. She defers to Darcy, serves Darcy, even going so far as giving up the man she is interested in. Later, Darcy calls demanding Rachel's attention and presence with her wedding plans. Rachel, who has had enough, simply say's "No" and hangs up. Darcy is in total shock because it was the first time Rachel had ever set a boundary. 

I had an opportunity to set a boundary of my own recently. Continue reading below...


Setting Boundaries

I share a home with 3 other women. A new roommate who moved in only a couple months ago was moving out because of family health issues. Initially, she said she was moving immediately and I believed her, however every time I heard from her, the move-out date changed along with the promise to pay her final month's rent. Along with each contact, there were lengthy and dramatic expalanations, hysteria and even threats when I didn't go along with her plans. Within a week, she had partially moved out leaving a room full of furniture and rent unpaid.

I needed to set a boundary and I knew I needed to be forceful in my response. I researched the legalities so that I could be accurate and clear with her about the law. I drafted a letter stating that she was in violation of our agreement, that she was behaving unlawfully and spelled out her options.

After all her broken promises and over-reactions, she reacted as if I was going too far. This is not a person who has been in my life for very long, and yet was behaving as if all the power was hers, to pay rent whenever she felt like it, leave her things behind with free storage. The letter helped to right a ship that had rocked too far in her direction. 

You may have heard this saying: We teach people how to treat us. Learning to set effective boundaries is as much about learning to love and value ourselves as it is about what we actually say. Seems like it always comes down to that. 

If you are interested in changing the rules in your relationships and learning to set boundaries, health and wellness coaching can be helpful. Click here to contact me. 

Click here to find out more
Jaqui Duvall works as a coach, mentor, trainer, facilitator and public speaker developing and delivering workshops, leading mentoring groups and working with individuals to help them identify and express their inner spirit and live a life of consciousness and intention.
jaqui@lifecompass.org •  San Jose