presentsThe Evolving Self
When growth is the only option...

The Evolving Self is an e-newsletter that reflects the belief that growth is a choice that can bring an ever deepening and expanding awareness of who we are and what we are here for. The reader can expect affirmations, quotes, book reviews, insightful commentary and tips that support the growth of the individual.

Affirmation: I am responsible for my needs and their fulfillment.

Quote: “You will be your best self when you take time to understand what you really need, feel and want.” ― Deborah Day

Newsletter archives:

November 2018 - Command Presence/Are you being a leader in your own life?

October 2018 - The Statue of Responsibility/Gratitude Practice

September 2018 - Perception of Power/Changing Your Perception

Certified Aromatherapist

As a Certified Aromatherapist, I am qualified to make custom blends to address various health concerns and skin issues. Many aromatherapy blends also have a quality of emotional support. If you are interested in custom blends to support your physical and/or emotional health and/or coaching along with aromatherapy solutions, please email me at

I just completed a custom blend for a client who wanted an emotional support hydrosol. I developed a recipe that encourages emotional healing at all levels, reduces anxiety and fear, stimulates new ideas and creativity, releases blocked energy and promotes self-confidence and postive energy and much more.

It contains: Frankincense, Lavender, Peppermint, Black Pepper, Siberian Fir, Lemongrass and Rose Absolute and it smells wonderful!

Contact me to get your own custom blend!

Currency of Needs

I have been playing with this term currency relative to needs for some time now. I believe that needs deserve the term currency because, like money, we are constantly exchanging needs and need fulfillment with the people around us. And like money, some people are really good at getting their needs met, while others live in a virtual poverty of needs. Here is some background on the whole picture of needs.

For the first 18 years of our lives, our parents are technically responsible for taking care of our needs. As we grow and through our interactions with those around us, we develop a relationship to our own needs. The nature of that relationship entirely depends on what we learned about the value of our own needs relative to the value of the needs of the people around us.

In a healthy family, the primary needs of all are the first priority, making sure everyone is safe, has enough to eat, is sheltered and clothed. The emotional needs of the children and parents are balanced, meaning that there is respect for the needs of all, listening is happening and emphasis is placed on the priority need of the moment. Parents sometimes have to make challenging choices between the emotional needs of their children and their own emotional needs, but often choose in favor of their children in their effort to support their healthy emotional development. But again, it is important that there is balance.

In a not-so-healthy family, the needs of the parents tend to take precedence over the needs of the children. In fact, the parents have most likely carried forward unresolved emotional needs from their own childhoods. When this happens, they often look to their own children to fill their emotional needs. This sets up an unhealthy dynamic and unfortunately the children suffer for it. So, not only are the children trying to fill their parents' emotional needs (which they are unequipped to do,) their own emotional needs are going unmet and in addition, they get the message that their emotional needs are not important.

This experience sets these children up to have an unhealthy relationship with needs through their lives. First of all, they have a really tough time discerning their own needs because they are typically not in touch with their bodies. To survive a situation in which their emotional needs were not met and were in fact, discounted, they had to disconnect from their physical experience.

From there, people tend to polarize into one of two options: They either focus entirely on their own needs or they focus on the needs of others at the expense of their owns needs. This is not a black and white polarization but a point on a spectrum. Either way, they have an unhealthy relationship with their needs.

In either case, unhealthy behavior patterns develop in an attempt to get needs met such as manipulation, passive aggressive behavior, controlling behavior, people-pleasing etc. The lack of a healthy relationship with their own needs is very painful and people often develop addictive behaviors and unhealthy relationships with others as well. Continue reading below...

A Healthy Relationship with Needs

To learn how to have a healthy relationship with our needs,

1) We need to recognize that we didn't get our needs met in the original family dynamic; we need to grieve what we didn't get and grieve getting anything we didn't need.

2) We need to connect inwardly with ourselves to be able to discern the constantly changing inner landscape of our needs and desires.  

3) We need to redefine our relationship with our needs to realize their equal value with the needs of all others.

4) We need to take responsibility for our need fulfillment. While we may learn to exchange (currency) needs in a healthier way, we are still responsible for our own needs and getting them met.

5) We need to learn assertiveness skills to be able to ask for what we need and want in a healthy, direct way and we need to learn to set boundaries on behaviors that violate our needs.

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Jaqui Duvall works as a coach, mentor, trainer, facilitator and public speaker developing and delivering workshops, leading mentoring groups and working with individuals to help them identify and express their inner spirit and live a life of consciousness and intention. •  San Jose