presentsThe Evolving Self
When growth is the only option...

The Evolving Self is an e-newsletter that reflects the belief that growth is a choice that can bring an ever deepening and expanding awareness of who we are and what we are here for. The reader can expect affirmations, quotes, book reviews, insightful commentary and tips that support the growth of the individual.

Affirmation: I choose to accept and love myself as I am.

Quote: "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it." -Carlos Santayana

Newsletter archives:

June 2020 - The Stolen Voice/Loving Yourself

May 2020 - In Hiding/Journaling

April 2020 - Powerlessness


Certified Aromatherapist

I am a Clinical Aromatherapist, which means I am qualified to work in a healhcare setting as an Aromatherapist and of course, to make custom blends to address various health concerns and skin issues. Many aromatherapy blends also have a quality of emotional support.

A few of the blends I have made recently:

  • Anti-viral lotion (it helps hydrate amidst all the hand-washing)
  • Hair thickener
  • Muscle cramp oil
  • Arthritis blend
  • Hand sanitizer with or without alcohol
  • B'Itch Balm (effective with hives)

If you are interested in any of these or custom blends to support your physical and/or emotional health and/or coaching along with aromatherapy solutions, please email me at

Contact me to get your own custom blend!

Hidden Landmines

I have been married and divorced twice in my life. After my second failed marriage I chose to remain unmarried while continuing to try to find "the one." I became what is referred to as a serial monogomist. Which means, I date only one person, but that one person has changed many times through the years. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time in my life trying to understand the key to finding the right person and how to make that relationship last. 

I have often concluded at the end of a relationship that while I was willing to examine myself and my baggage to understand my failure in the relationship, I was never with someone who was also willing to do the same. This willingness to self-examine and modify I believed was the key to finding and sustaining a successful relationship.

Harville Hendrix has the same viewpoint as I and has written mutliple books on the subject; Keeping the Love You Find, Getting the Love You Want, Making Marriage Simple, Receiving Love, The Happy Couples Secret.

The challenge as I see it, having analyzed the subject to death, of course, is that always and forever, we are viewing people and the world through the filter of our unconscious emotional programming. No matter what you have learned about yourself and the world, you can't use simple intellect to effect change. You are always making choices from your unconscious emotional programming, what Hendrix refers to as "the hidden landmines we bring to our partnerships."

In his book, Keeping the Love You Find, Hendrix breaks down the developmental phases each child goes through in their growth, discussing what they needed to experience in each phase and what happens when they don't experience what they needed.

When reviewing this material, it quickly becomes apparent that most people did not get all of their needs met at some point in their development. According to Hendrix, they will continue to pursue that need in the subsequent phases of development and if still not met, will pursue it through their lives in their relationships.

Interestingly, the challenge becomes: When we reach adulthood, we can no longer look to our parents to fill our developmental needs, even if they are suddenly inclined to give. Perhaps this is part of the human dilemma (the challenges we all face because we are human.) We tend to then go out into the world of adults looking for another adult to fill our unmet need(s). Given the high percentage of adults whose original developmental needs weren't met, that means there are millions of adults seeking fulfillment from other adults doing the same thing. Kinda sounds like a recipe for disaster. Or, being set up for failure. Because it is really hard to meet the needs of another person when your own were left unfulfilled. Now we have a bunch of incomplete adults out in the world trying to complete themselves through others. And we wonder why there are so many divorces, over 1 million every year in the US alone. The current percentage of single people is 45.2%.


Back to my original point: "This willingness to self-examine and modify I believed was the key to finding and sustaining a successful relationship" again, is a human dilemma. Here is the challenge: The coping strategies employed by many people who have unmet needs left over from childhood are often the same behaviors that block a person from self-examination. 

Self-examination is hard for people who built walls of self-protection around themselves which often include cutting themselves off from their emotions, needs and feelings. Overcoming this requires some potentially painful work.

In my experience, I realized that I didn't want to wait around for another person who was willing to do the work. Doing the work for ourselves and the enhancement of our own lives is what can lead to the possibility of finding another person who is also willing to do the work.

The work involves uncovering our unconscious emotional programming and negative core beliefs. It involves learning to give to ourselves the things we needed from your parents. And it involves taking risks to change the behaviors that have been keeping us stuck.

If you are interested in doing the work of self-examination and healing, health and wellness coaching can be helpful. Click here to contact me. 

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Jaqui Duvall works as a coach, mentor, trainer, facilitator and public speaker developing and delivering workshops, leading mentoring groups and working with individuals to help them identify and express their inner spirit and live a life of consciousness and intention. •  San Jose