presentsThe Evolving Self
When growth is the only option...

The Evolving Self is an e-newsletter that reflects the belief that growth is a choice that can bring an ever deepening and expanding awareness of who we are and what we are here for. The reader can expect affirmations, quotes, book reviews, insightful commentary and tips that support the growth of the individual.

Affirmation:  I ask for what I need and want without expectation.

Quote:  "Relationships based on obligation lack dignity." -Wayne Dyer

Newsletter archives:

Septemer 2016 - Flower Power

August 2016 - Beeee Yourself

July 2016 - An Uncivilized Tongue



The Need/Obligate System

I had an experience recently that had me scratching my head until I learned about the "The Need/Obligate system". I was involved in a business relationship for several years that was friendly and based on mutual trust, or so I thought. I was incredibly grateful for the generosity I had received from this vendor when I was struggling financially. For quite some time however, I was feeling conflicted about continuing with the relationship because it wasn't working for me for a variety of reasons. I believed it was time to move to a new vendor but found myself feeling guilty because of the past generosity and kindness. I finally decided to make the move.

Much to my surprise, the vendor had what I can only refer to as a trantrum. I received an email that I considered to be extremely unprofessional and a blatant effort to inspire guilt and loyalty. I chose not to answer it.

When I read about the need/obligate system, I realized that that is exactly the sytem under which this person was operating. According to Barry K. Weinhold, PH.D and Janae B. Weinhold, PH.D in their book, "How to Break Free of the Drama Triangle & Victim Consciousness," the Need/Obligate system starts when "Someone does something for you without first asking you. Then they expect you to be grateful for what they've done for you, and [they expect] You [to] return their favor without them having to ask for it.

While I believe the vendor is a kind and generous person, in my situation, apparently was being so with the intention of inspiring loyalty. It's very possible that the vendor was motivated by Lack Mentality," meaning that he has a deep-seated fear of not having enough which has led him to offer kindness and generosity with the unspoken expectation that his customers will be loyal to him. There was an ulterior motive that had everything to do with him making money and keeping people obligated to keep paying money.

The Need/Obligate system is one of the many aspects of a co-dependent family and often results in people learning to manipulate to get what they want versus simply asking.

So, the key to changing this dynamic is to learn how to ask for what you need and want without applying guilt, demand or obligation. You may not always get what you want, but you will feel better about how you conducted yourself.

I work with individuals who are interested in learning communication skills. Please click here: to contact me.

You Can Thank Me for That

Ever since I entered menopause, I have been having challenges with my long-term nemesis, motion-sickness. It turns out that when you take medication, you need estrogen for the molecule to bind with for the medication to work. I didn't know this when I was flying across the country and realized that my Dramamine wasn't working.

As I was preparing for my return flight facing another cross-country motion-sickness inducing experience with only Bonine to bolster me, I decided to try using the "Law of Attraction" to create the circumstances under which I could have a flight free of turbulance (turbulance activates my motion sickness.)

As soon as I got on the plane, I went into the lavatory and looked myself directly in the eyes and said, "Oh, my God, I'm so grateful for this smooth and easy flight. Smooth as glass. I'm so grateful. I hardly even know I'm on a plane. So grateful." I contninued to repeat this like a mantra throughout the flight. And guess what? The flight was smooth and easy, smooth as glass. I hardly even knew I was on a plane. You may think this is froo froo, hippy stuff or maybe just a coincidence, but recently I had another experience that confirmed my belief that if you want a smooth flight you should plan to fly with me.

As my recent flight was getting ready for take off, the pilot announced that they had just returned from San Francisco and that it had been a rocky flight. In addition, there was another plane ahead of us who was reporting turbulence. He stated that they would not be able to offer beverage service because the flight attendants would need to be seated if there was turbulence. To myself I thought, "We'll see about that." I started my mantra and continued to say it to myself throughout the flight. I concentrated on how wonderful it feels to be on a smooth flight and my extreme gratitude for it. Guess what?

When we arrived in San Jose, the pilot announced over the intercom, "Well, I'm not sure what happened, but fortunately, we had a smooth flight." I thought to myself, "You can thank me for that."

I am available for spiritual counseling and health coaching services and for those interested in learning to apply the Law of Attraction. Please click here: contact me.

Click here to find out more
Jaqui Duvall works as a coach, mentor, trainer, facilitator and public speaker developing and delivering workshops, leading mentoring groups and working with individuals to help them identify and express their inner spirit and live a life of consciousness and intention. •  San Jose