Finding My Father

By Scott Kalechstein

"When I was thirty I thought my father was a dunce. By the time I was forty, I was amazed at what he had learned!" -Mark Twain


"Good work, Scott. Now it's time to find your father."

When I participated in a retreat with my mother in 1991, those were the last words the facilitator spoke to me. Find my father? What did he mean by that? My father lived in New York, that was where to find him! At that time the gulf between us seemed insurmountable, and I did not take his words to heart. Find your father. Somehow I knew that healing my relationship with Dad was vital, but how to go about it was another story. My feelings of being criticized and rejected by him were my deepest wound, and therefore contained the richest and most fertile soil for growth and healing.

Before he was 30, my father fought in World War II, became a medical doctor, and married my mother. They started a family in Brooklyn, where they had both been born and raised. The first two children were girls, and then I, the final one, plopped out. I can imagine my father's excitement about having a son, someone to guide from boyhood to manhood, to continue the family name, someone to be proud of, perhaps even someone to follow in his footsteps.
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In my early years I was the apple of his eye, and he was my knight in shining armor. We played sports and games, and often went fishing together. As adolescence approached, however, it became abundantly clear that my feet were hell bent on following another path, any path but his!

In school I was having behavioral problems. I was feeling all kinds of difficult feelings about myself and my life, feelings that I needed help sorting out and understanding. I expressed my inner angst by becoming a class clown and rebel, defying any and all rules. To my credit, I was very creative and original in my acting out. I also displayed signs of brilliance in the subjects I was interested in. But when report card time rolled around, I was filled with dread. Having my parents read those things was a very traumatic experience for me. Sometimes I was punished. Whatever pain I was expressing through my actions was driven deep inside of me. I got more upset each time my parents' disapproving magnifying glass was focused on my poor grades and attention getting schemes. I responded by doing more things that would bring me disapproval and punishment.

Eventually, I learned that I would be treated less harshly if I punished myself, so my inner critic was born. My parents saw me being hard on myself, and figured I was doing an adequate job. Self-reproach is a great protection plan, and being skilled in guilt and self-criticism was a large part of the shadow side of our family tradition.

My Dad had no idea how to deal with me. My mother expressed her feelings of anger and disappointment, but my father grew silent and distant, erecting a wall and pretending that he didn't care. That was even more painful to me than my mother's voiced disapproval. I hated him for that, and expressed my anger just as covertly, by also pretending that I didn't want anything to do with him. We lived under the same roof, but we were a thousand miles away from each other.

I continued to have trouble with school until the time I chose to drop out and pursue my interests in music and metaphysics. I became totally focused on my spiritual growth, the quest for enlightenment, and God, a fact that sent shivers through my father's mind. My father, somewhat of an atheist, had given birth to a son who was thumbing his nose at intellectual, practical concerns and doing the "God" thing. While I don't believe my spiritual searching was simply an expression of my war with my father, he sure took it that way. There were many hard feelings between us, feelings that hardened into cement as time went by.

For much of my twenties, I went about my life without much of a relationship with my dad. We had stopped trying to change each other, but the walls remained, thick and cold between us. We had both written off the relationship as incapable of improvement.

But that wasn't the case. Presently, my father and I are enjoying a great warmth between us. Things began changing significantly in 1995 when I wrote him a heartfelt letter and he wrote one back. Two human beings with a history of separateness began to cross old, outdated borders and to get to know each other. I would like to share these letters with you:

Dear Dad,

I have been thinking a lot about you these days, and I want you to know my thoughts. It seems to me that in my pain, confusion and my struggle to define myself as someone separate from you, I rejected you entirely, along with everything you stood for. Lately I've been seeing that in my rebellion, I have set aside a part of myself that has not been allowed to develop and that can make me a more whole person inside. I have come to regret that rebellious side of my personality and I am setting out to make changes.

You tried to teach me, by your example, how to be a disciplined, reliable provider for oneself and for a family. You showed me how to live safely in the world, with a sense of security and structure. You modeled success in ways that I did my best not to emulate. And I am feeling very sorry about that. It was as if I turned away from your most powerful way of showing me that you loved me: the way you lived your life.

Dad, I can sense that my work in the world, my relationships with women and my sense of self-esteem are all affected by this stance. I am working diligently in my life to develop within myself the qualities you tried to pass one to me. Ouch! It's hard for a thirty two year old with Peter Pan Syndrome to be becoming an adult. But my life does depend on it.

Dad, you are a part of me, and it's time I stopped resisting that and started accepting and working with the gifts you have given me. You have passed on to me a legacy of character traits that are my missing link in my development as a person.

I love you, Dad. I don't want to wait until you are on your deathbed, or until you are gone, to feel and to express that. You have given me so much by the way you work, play and live. I want you to know, as late as it may be, that I am beginning to receive and to learn from you and your life. Growing up is a scary thing, but I'm getting there!

Your son,
Scott


Sending the letter felt like a huge, but necessary risk. How would he respond to such a bearing of my soul? I waited for his reply, nervously opening up the mail each day. Each time the phone rang, I imagined it was him. What would he say to me? What would I say to him? Would my letter make a difference, or would I end up regretting that I ever reached out? Ten days after I sent my letter, I got his response. I opened it up and started crying after the first sentence, right there in the Postal Annex.


Dear Scott,

Your letter has touched me deeper than I can ever convey to you in words. I cried like a baby during and after reading it. You have come a long way, farther than you realize!

Scott, don't berate yourself for rejecting me and my values and my world. It was I who rejected you when you didn't conform to what I wanted for you. Rejection is something you learned from me! I blame myself; don't forget, I was supposedly the adult and you were the child. I should have handled things wiser and more maturely.

Scott, listen to me very carefully. Let's not dwell on the past, except if it can help us understand the present and prevent us from making the same mistakes over again. As I said before, you have come a long way and I have reacted to your changes very positively. You say growing up is scary and difficult. Please remember, I am still trying to grow up! Let's help each other.

Scott, I love you very much. I always have! I hope any scars are temporary and reversible.

Always,
Dadio


I read the letter again and again. Who was this wise, tender, approachable man? Was this my father? Nervous but curious as hell, I called him up. "Dad, I got your letter." "And I, yours, Scott." We both fumbled for words, but couldn't find any. Finally, my father said, "Scott, I'm all choked up right now. I can't seem to talk." "I feel the same, Dad." Another clumsy, but heart -filled silence. We both managed to say, "I love you", and then had to get off the phone. The feelings were too rich for words, but a new beginning was acknowledged.

I visited my family soon after that. My time with my father was sweet and meaningful. I found myself genuinely interested in him, his past, his dreams, his regrets. I asked him questions as if I we were just starting out. We had some significant catching up to do.

We speak on the phone often these days. It's not always easy to talk to him. I question at times how much to reveal, and what to talk about. Sometimes it flows, and sometimes it feels awkward. We are profoundly different in our beliefs, our lifestyles and our frames of reference. But we are two men relating to each other in the present, not burdened by the past, expressing our caring and support. For my father and I, both expertly trained in the self-defense of hiding our hearts to cover up our hurt, our current relationship is somewhat of a miracle. We are both finding out together that love is stronger than steel, and that the pain of the past can be put behind us. For men in this culture to be more interested in being close than in being right is indeed something to celebrate!
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• "The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love." --A Course in Miracles


Scott Kalechstein can be reached at scott@scottsongs.com or visited on the web at http://www.scottsongs.com. Finding My Father is a chapter from a book Scott promises to finish and release sometime in this decade or the next.

SCOTT'S SCHEDULE


SAN JOSE, CA

June 26- I'll be the guest speaker and singer at the Center For Creative Living. Following the service I will be conducting a workshop/concert called A Course In Miracles- THE MUSICAL! Call (408) 568-6994 or 408) 980-1135 for the details.

GAITHERSBURG, MARYLAND (near Washington DC)

July 9- I will be giving a mid-summer night's concert on a Saturday night at Christ Church Unity of Gaithersburg. Call (301) 947 3626 for more information.

July 10- I will be the guest minister and singer and follow that up with a workshop on relationships at Christ Church Unity of Gaithersburg. Call (301) 947 3626 for more information.

DENVER, COLORADO

July 22- I will be offering a workshop/concert called A Course In Miracles- THE MUSICAL! at the Rocky Mountain Miracle Center. Call 303-759-3409 for the scoop.

July 23- I will be giving an all day workshop called the Song Portrait Circle at the High Country Unity Church in Englewood. Call (303) 798-2295 for the scoop.

July 24- I will be giving the talk and guest music at the High Country Unity Church in Englewood. Following the service I will lead a workshop of some sort, soon to be determined. Call (303) 798-2295 for the scoop.

SAN JOSE, CA

July 28- I will be the morning speaker and singer at the Awareness Network. Call 408 294 3412 for more info.

July 28- I will be giving an evening house concert, open to anyone. Call Kris at (408) 266-8430 for details.

NEVADA CITY, CA

July 30- A lovely house concert at the lovely home of Jill and Jon Fox. Call them at 530 265 3802 for the details.

July 31- I'll be the guest speaker and singer at the Sierra Center For Positive Living. Following the service I'll be offering a workshop called Where Spirit & Relationships Meet. Call Jill at 530 265 3802 for the details.

CHICO, CA

August 7- I will be speaking and singing at the Spiritual Enrichment Center of Chico. After the services I will be leading a workshop on relationships. Call 530 895 8395 for more info...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA

August 14- I'll be speaking and singing and leading a workshop on relationships at Christ Church Unity of San Francisco. Call 415 566 4122 for details.

MARIN, CA

August 21- I'll be the guest soloist at Unity in Marin. Call 415-475-5000

There are many dates in the summer that are still open and available, some as early as the second half of June. If you would like to discuss how easy it is to bring me to your neck of the woods and set me loose on your community, church, friends, etc., please call me at 415 721 2954 to talk about it. Or email me at scott@scottsongs.com if you prefer typing over chatting.

The Journey Of Relationship

Going From Here To Maturity...

By Scott Kalechstein

Relationships have been called the best personal growth seminar in town. The purpose of being in relationship is to give and receive love. It's that simple. When we have wounds that block our ability to love and be loved, the purpose of relationship then becomes healing...to help one another in removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence. What are the tools to make such a journey? What does it require of us?

When Venus (yes, my sweetie's name is Venus) and I got together, we gradually realized two basic things:

#1- We were soul mates, life partners, twin flames, or to bring it down to earth, a darn good match!

#2- If we didn't learn and practice new communication skills and habits other than the ones that we had absorbed from this culture, if we didn't stay committed to our personal healing processes and work consciously with whatever would be coming up in a self-responsible way, then #1 would be meaningless and this would be a short and painful relationship filled with drama.

In other words, meeting the 'right' person is no insurance, and no substitute for the soul work of developing relational skills that allow for both closeness and autonomy.

Of course, this wasn't obvious when we were dating and everything felt like a honeymoon. But, for the first time in our relationship histories, we were both willing to do whatever it took to survive and thrive beyond the honeymoon and power struggle stages.

So, Venus and I have gotten grounded in certain practices and perspectives that work beautifully for us and that we want to pass on. We have found that robust intimacy and non-violent communication in this crazy world takes practice, practice, practice, and that you don't need to wait until you meet the right person to start learning or deepening the skills.

Here is an overview of what we have learned so far in…

THE CLASSROOM OF RELATIONSHIP

Relationship Stage One (Attraction, Honeymoon)

I applied to a great school and I've been accepted! I'm on the top of the world! (And I blame my partner for my joy...)

Relationship Stage Two (Friction, Power Struggle)

Classes begin, homework is assigned, egos bump heads... (And I blame my partner for my pain...)

Relationship Stage Three (Mature Love)

Egos have been sandpapered smooth enough to begin to give our unique partnership gifts to the world. (And I thank God for our joy!)


Romantic Balloons And Bubbles That Must Be Busted For Class To Proceed...

1. I can get all my needs met by one person… my soul mate will do that for me.

2. The right person will make me happy.

3. Having a partner will make my life easier.

4. The ease and high of the honeymoon stage should last forever and if it doesn't this person must not be the 'one' for me.

5. Being in a relationship will increase my self-esteem and add meaning to my life, putting an end to my loneliness, issues of rejection, and feeling abandoned.


The Healing Path Of Relationships

Unavoidable Relationship Facts That Cause Great Suffering When Not Understood And Accepted

1. Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing and release. Trust the colonic... A relationship will make the unconscious conscious so you can see (and smell) your crap and choose out of it.

2. Your partner is your mirror, not your savior, and will wind up treating you the way you secretly (or not so secretly) treat yourself. That's a big motivator to make loving and accepting yourself a top priority. James Taylor wrote "You've been better to me than I've been to myself." That's a honeymoon stage fairy tale. In real life your partner is your mirror, not your savior.

3. Welcome and prepare for conflicts. Expecting them to occur is wise, not cynical. Your partner will trigger the hell out of you at times. It's part of their divine job description. If you keep your feet on the ground than relationship won't bring you to your knees. Have tools to use and agreements in place for when buttons get pushed. Relationship will flush out issues of abandonment and entrapment, encouraging you to stop abandoning yourself, prompting you to drop your masks and outdated survival strategies, and assisting you to learn the delicate dance between autonomy and intimacy, taking care of yourself and caring about someone else.

4. Any unfinished business with Mom and Dad, past partners or siblings, will eventually surface between you and your partner. This is a great blessing and is part of how the universe always moves us towards healing, completion, and mastery.

5. A conscious relationship is a spiritual path. The purpose of a spiritual path is to disillusion you (remove you from illusions). Embrace that and you grow into mature love. Resist that and you suffer deeply. Eckart Tolle reminds us that "The purpose of relationship is not to make you happy. It is to make you conscious."



RELATIONSHIP GROWTH IN FOUR CHAPTERS

Chapter 1- You attract re-enactments of your childhood wounding…i.e.- an unavailable alcoholic, a controlling mother, etc. You wonder why life is doing this to you. Where are all the available men? Where are all the good women? Why am I being deprived? What's wrong with me? When will I be loved?

Chapter 2- You continue to attract replicas of your history, but you are learning to respond in other ways besides feeling like a victim. You recognize that the universe is out to heal you by helping to bring your unresolved feelings to the surface for resolution, and to give you the opportunity to complete with your past by learning to respond differently. i.e. - instead of silently trembling in the dark or acting out in punitive ways (childhood responses), the adult learns to speak up directly and set boundaries, or even to say no and walk away.

Chapter 3- You attract someone who is mostly different from your past but has the potential to act the part if driven in that direction. They become an occasional replica of your history, giving you plenty of practice in responding in other ways besides the limited choices available in childhood.

Chapter 4- You eventually draw in someone who is not at all like your controlling mother or your absent father and you occasionally project your childhood story on to them and work through the feelings without full blown suffering and constant drama. What's relationship about then? It's about giving and receiving love, celebrating life together, and serving the earth with your feet on the ground.


The Gift Of Grief: Fully mourning what you didn't get in childhood moves you through the chapters and prepares you to be an adult who can bring realistic expectations to a relationship.

The Gift Of Relationship: It will bring you face to face with your unresolved childhood pain until your grief work is completed.


Ways Of Approaching Need Fulfillment

1. Bulldozing: You put your needs above everyone else's, and feel entitled to having them met at other people's expense.

2. Yes, Dear: ( A favorite of spiritual people) In the name of transcending your ego, you act as if your own needs are unimportant and unspiritual, and you judge yourself as unworthy of having what you want. Inevitably, you deny you have needs and/or try to get them met unconsciously, using strategies that helped you survive a troubled childhood, ie- being passive aggressive, withholding, seducing, blaming, manipulating, and guilt-tripping others into giving to you. By the way, a 'needy' person is someone who is not giving themselves permission to have needs, and so their needs leak out unconsciously, bringing discomfort to everyone around them.

3. The Middle Way: You practice choosing assertive adult strategies, like asking for what you want directly without demanding it. You realize that you can never really win if your partner loses, and so you always go for a win-win. Also, you are willing and able to meet your own needs or get them met elsewhere when your partner isn't available. A child has limited choices, an adult always has plenty.


Some Things To Do While You Are Single

1. Walk the path of being single with your head held high. You are learning lessons of self-determination, where you get to determine how you want to live, who you want to include in your life, and what you want to accomplish on this earth. You don't have the excuse to blame anything on anyone else. You get to fully accept the responsibility for your state in life. Being single is a sacred and valid spiritual path. Walk it with self-respect and dignity.

2. Since people (including your next partner) will tend to treat you the way you treat yourself, spend time upgrading your relationship with yourself, replacing the inner critical self-talk with a gentle, nurturing, loving inner parent.

3. Immerse yourself in the study of communication skills, like Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication (www.cnvc.org). When a relationship comes along and conflicts inevitably arise, you'll want them.

4. Make loving yourself and giving your gifts your most important areas of focus. When you get into a relationship and you make it through the honeymoon stage these will remain the two most important ingredients for both your personal happiness and having a non-codependent, healthy relationship...LOVING YOURSELF & GIVING YOUR GIFTS!

5. Get to know yourself, what you stand for and what you won't stand for. Practicing both standing firm in your truth and the art of being flexible. You'll need both in an intimate relationship.

6. Live your life to the fullest. Accept the possibility that you may never have a partner and live life as if it's your complete responsibility to live out your dreams and make yourself happy right now. Practice the most difficult Yoga posture of all: Standing on your own two feet!


Scott Kalechstein is a traveling minister, a counselor and coach, a modern day troubadour and inspirational speaker. He makes his home in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops, sometimes with his beloved partner, Venus Elyse, (www.innerwings.com). In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples heal, manifest, and awaken into conscious relationship. Call 415-721-2954 to schedule a session, or email him at scott@scottsongs.com. You can visit www.scottsongs.com to read more about his workshops, to hear his talks or to sample songs from his nine CD's. Send him an email to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis. His music has been described as 'the soundtrack of transformation' and can be sampled at www.scottsongs.com. It does come with the following warning: Scott Kalechstein's songs are not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any illness or medical condition. If while listening you laugh your head off and your heart open and symptoms still persist, please see your doctor.