Help, I'm Lost!!

By Scott Kalechstein

I like to find my own way. Stopping to roll down the window to ask for direction is not something I do easily. Yet sometimes I need help… OK, often I need help. And sometimes I'm smart enough to ask for it….

Early in 2004 I stormed out of my mother's house in Brooklyn after yelling at her at the top of my lungs. In a few seconds I went from being a dormant volcano to some major erupting. The switch stunned both of us. After that we didn't talk for two years. No contact at all.

By the beginning of this year the hard feelings I was harboring had become unbearable. I'd dug my heels into a very cold, dark place, and all the forgiveness tricks and techniques I had learned over the years weren't making a difference. I couldn't seem to melt the ice around my heart with my own will.

On a freezing January morning in Ann Arbor, Michigan, I finally asked for some thawing out. I prayed for direction in how to give up this bitterness towards my mother. I told the universe that even while I didn't feel willing to forgive her, I wanted to become willing, and needed some assistance to get there. I had a good cry and, in finally admitting that I was lost and needed help, felt some relief.

An hour later when I walked into the bookstore at the Unity Church where I was about to speak, a little booklet by Marshall Rosenberg caught my eye. It was called ‘Getting Past The Pain Between Us' and I decided to bring it home. That night, browsing through it, I arrived at a section that said ‘Anger Towards Mother Role Play'.

As I started reading that page, the words of an unidentified male participant seemed strangely familiar. I went to the front of the book and to my amazement discovered that it contained a transcript of a workshop that took place in San Diego four years before - one that I attended and had somehow conveniently forgotten about. That section was a dialogue between Marshall and me, with him taking the role of my mother. He listened and responded to me with openness and compassionate understanding. Then he did his best to intuit and verbalize, in a way that I could hear and understand, my mother's deepest feelings and needs. Marshall was using the principals of Non-Violent Communication to translate our two very different dialects back into the root language of love.


What an intimate and glorious shock, to be led to this book the same day I got real before God, admitted my need, and asked for help. I had found our role-play helpful back then, but nowhere near as powerful and timely as I was experiencing it now. As I reviewed it, a warm, healing presence penetrated and flooded my body. Gentle tears softened the grip I had held around my grievances. I realized that I was in the midst of a miracle, and I gave thanks for so quickly experiencing the change of heart I had prayed for that very morning.


When I got home I started a letter to my mom. With a combination of new willingness and some old trepidation, I sent the booklet to her along with the letter. This is what I wrote:


Dear Mom,

This is hard for me to write. I would love it if you and I could find a way to be in each other's lives again.

I was hoping you would reach out to me first. A part of me has been scared to let go of my anger. I want to protect myself from further pain. I don't know if I am able or ready to take it in stride when I perceive you putting me down and being critical of me with no regards for my feelings. I'm not even sure if that is a goal I want to have. I do know that this ‘not talking' is getting old and I'm ready to take a risk.

I'm sure we both have our reasons for letting this time pass and not picking up the phone. I can only guess that you feel similar to me…. deeply hurt, angry, and justified about not being in contact.

I'm very sorry I screamed at you last time we were together. I need to learn to do anger without letting it build up and taking it out on you. I regret how I vented at you with no regards for your feelings. In that moment I wanted to hurt you, to scare you in that moment, to show my fangs after so many years of feeling intimidated. Of course, none of this was deliberate, rehearsed, or conscious. I just blew up and acted out, and I apologize.

I miss you, Mom! I miss you caring about me and I even miss you worrying about me (once in a while). I wonder how you are and how you are doing?

So, I'm taking what feels like a big risk in sending you this little booklet, which contains a dialogue on page 24 between Marshall Rosenberg (founder of Non-Violent Communication) and me. It took place at a workshop Marshall was giving in San Diego in 2002, a few weeks before I would visit you in Brooklyn for Thanksgiving.

In the session Marshall role-played a non-defensive version of you. I was very candid with my feelings, especially my anger, in order to get my pain up and out and have it heard and understood. My intention was that in expressing and venting the anger in a therapeutic environment I wouldn't be bringing it home and dumping it on you. Some of the things I said may be hard for you to read. My hope is that you can feel how much I hurt, how much I love you, how much I want your love, caring, and respect, and how much I want to find a way of being in relationship with you without us hurting each other so deeply.

Mom, I want a non-violent relationship with you. I perceive that in our history together we both were violent. It was as if we were boxing. You would take frequent small, quick verbal jabs and I would hold my anger inside until I exploded with one big loud primal punch. Doing our relationship differently might require some work. Do you want that, too?

I'm somewhat afraid that sending you this letter and this booklet might somehow make things worse, but hey, we are not talking right now, so how much worse can it get?

One day I'd like you to meet Venus, the love of my life. I would think that the two of you would really enjoy each other.

One day I hope we can laugh together about all this and disagree respectfully when we don't understand each other or don't see eye to eye.


What do you say, mother of mine?

With Love,
Scott


A week after I sent it my mother called, and we had a very touching conversation. We both expressed joy at being back in contact, along with regrets, some new insights, and meaningful amends. After a few months of lively and delightful phone chats I went east for a visit, and while it wasn't easy and smooth, it was very rewarding and heartfelt. We both had a willingness to put the past behind us and proceed with new beginnings. My mother got to meet Venus, and they had a great time getting to know each other. It was a joy to see them become instant friends.

The next time someone or something is driving me crazy, I hope to be much more quick to take my foot off the accelerator, roll down the window, admit that I'm lost, and ask for direction.

My mom and I still speak two different dialects, and probably always will. It can be hard to relate to our relatives! But I'm beginning to realize that all we are ever really saying is either ‘I love you' or ‘ouch'. And to that I can always relate.

"The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love." --A Course in Miracles


Scott Kalechstein serves as a singer, songwriter, speaker, humorist, recording artist, minister, and workshop leader. You can visit him in cyberspace at www.scottsongs.com. His music recordings are full of joyous, life-affirming songs for adults and children. To contact Scott e-mail him at scott@scottsongs.com To enjoy more of Scott's writings, just Google Scott Kalechstein, and start browsing his articles. You can also visit Awareness Magazine at: http://www.awarenessmag.com/library.html/library.html. You will find Scott's column Living The Soulful Life in the Departments section of any of their back issues.

Here's A Funny Scott Concert Announcement From Back In April, 2006....

PRESIDENT BUSH TO TUCSON RESIDENTS:
 
PLEASE BOYCOTT THE SCOTT KALECHSTEIN CONCERTS!!
 
AP March 28, 2006.  Washington, DC.
 
President Bush pleaded with residents of Tucson, Arizona to 'JUST SAY NO!!!!!' to a series of upcoming concerts, targeted for April 21 and 22,  with Northern California based independent singer-songwriter Scott Kalechstein. Kalechstein  has been on the administration's official "No Sing" list since the FBI noted an alarming 27% average drop in the public's fear of terrorism the day after his concerts. Bush especially appealed to local Republicans for an all-out Kalechstein boycott, directly addressing the estimated 37 Tucson residents who still support his presidency: "His concerts give  hope to our enemies. When his CD's were played in Iraq, we had reports of our troops hugging insurgents. Need I say more?"
 
The President legally could not stop the concerts from happening, but he was planning to send former Attorney General John Ashcroft to be Scott's opening act in the hopes that there would be no people left in the room by the end of Mr. Ashcroft's performance.   Mr. Kalechstein, who has been called a cross between Eckhart Tolle, John Denver, and Robin Williams, suggested that he plans to 'stay the course' and go on with the concerts despite the threats from Bush to send Ashcroft.
 
"As much of half of Kalechstein's concerts are dangerously and subversively improvised," stated a recent FBI report, with the audience requesting songs about spirituality, personal growth, pet peeves, etc. Nobody ever knows what will come out of his mouth next, including Scott. Kalechstein is on the administration's Most Wanted Humorists List, and has long been suspected of intoxicating unsuspecting audiences with inert joy gases and encouraging people to take serious issues lightly. It is recommended that people not drive or operate heavy machinery after having been to a Kalechstein performance.  Hapless victims exposed to his music are often unable to control a serious compulsion to laugh uproariously, (sometimes even weeks later). 

Kalechstein will be performing in Tucson on Friday evening, April 21, and Saturday, April 22. Listen for yourself at www.scottsongs.com
 
John Freedom, the local organizer for Kalechstein's Tucson concert series, attempted to play down the President's statements: "Don't let Bush's scare tactics affect you. Don't let anybody scare you. Come to a concert. Come once, come multiple times. It will be the climax of your week. For a delightfully GREAT TIME, call...

An Excerpt From An Elizabeth Severino Newsletter

(Elizabeth is a healer in South Jersey who was been playing my music for years in her classes and workshops. She recently came to a concert and a workshop of mine and we met for the first time in the flesh. This is what she wrote about me and my work...)


What do you get if you blend keen humor, light- heartedness, exceptional creativity, amazing musical talent, high spirituality, openness and a total willingness to share the light and dark of his (and for many of us, OUR) life journey?

You get Scott Kalechstein!

Describing himself as an "Inspirational Speaker and Modern Day Troubadour", Scott's talents have been requested by (among others) Deepak Chopra, John Gray, Marianne Williamson, Jack Canfield, Alan Cohen, Mark Victor Hansen, and yours truly, Elizabeth Severino! His musical range goes from highly spiritual songs such as "The Eyes of God" and "Song For Mother Theresa", to hilarious 12-Step Program spoofs such as "50 Ways to Love Your Liver" (yes, it's sung to the tune of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover") and a spoof on The Serenity Prayer. He offers love songs for the heart's awakening, including 'I am in Love", "Deep Inside", "I Open the Door", and "Life." He sings songs of En-Lightening Up, songs that point the way ("Maps for a New World"), songs for planetary rebirth, songs of joy, hope and healing, and heart-centered devotional songs.

His newest CD, "Something New", is perhaps his most versatile and most personal yet! It includes an extremely powerful song of letting go between his Mother and himself and it brought tears of healing strength to my eyes!

I first learned of Scott from a dear friend, Chris Cappuccino. Several years ago, Chris emailed, she had seen Scott in person and loved him. She learned he did "Song Portraits", musical songs intuitively composed in the moment and recorded as a musical portrait of the person. She commissioned one and received a unique musical presentation of ... herself! She loved it, she told me enthusiastically! She then mailed me one of his many CD's.

I eagerly opened the CD when it arrived, played it, was immediately a fan of this incredible being, and purchased all of his CD's soon after!

Several years would pass before we would meet, however.

On Friday night May 19th of this year at the Omphalos Center in Yardley, PA, I experienced Scott's genius for the first time in person. Although I have much of his music memorized, his performance went way beyond what had already delighted me! I was highly impressed at how quickly and easily he can create a full song at the drop of a suggestion! He kept the audience in delighted laughter and amazement looking at themselves and life from a place of light-hearted and total awareness as topics such as "a weekend without the kids", "landscaping" and even "witches" were called out by the audience and flourished into full songs instantaneously!

My own issue that I presented, was how to balance "working" and "having fun." I was carefully taught as a child that I HAVE to "work hard" to succeed ... that if I don't I will fail or will end up "poor" ... that it's "wrong" to have "too much fun" while working, especially "given the seriousness of meaningful work." Scott immediately did an intuitive improvisational song on that topic for me, did a joyous half-spoof, half-real 'hands-on' healing ... and in a few minutes accomplished what a lot of therapy to date hadn't!

The following Sunday, in Moorestown, NJ, Scott did the morning service for the Center for Conscious Living (as the guest minister). His songs were well chosen and totally appropriate. His "musical sermon" ... a sermon that was half talk, half music ... was a joy. Sunday afternoon, he taught a part musical, part talk, and much laughter workshop on "Spirituality and Relationships." (Did I mention he's an inspirational speaker?)

Although I had heard it many times before, that Sunday I actually GOT the energetic meaning that each relationship is a mirror. But I received it in a way that I had never done before. I learned that one interpretation of a person being a "mirror" for us, is, what we are impressed by in another person, may be the mirror of what would bring additional layers of peace and fulfillment to us; meaning, it may be a reflex of a yearning of our soul. I received quiet answers from Guidance on long-asked questions including why I attract men who work regular hours, take time weekly to have fun, love regularly expressing themselves artistically, and have large families with strong support systems. As a recovering co- dependent, I now realize that was to teach ME the importance of developing a strong support system (outside of the relationship), of enjoying a lot of interests weekly including regular expression of my artistry, of giving myself some stability regarding working hours, and that this helps dissolve co- dependence!

After the workshop, I volunteered to chauffeur Scott to his next location. He wanted to go to Marlton, he announced, could anyone take him?

I had earlier decided that after the workshop ended, I wanted to go to Whole Foods, in Marlton, so I instantly volunteered, thinking that I would drop him off first. He then volunteered that HE wanted to go to Whole Foods, so it worked out beyond perfectly! I feel blessed to have spent casual time with this very talented, very real, very humble man.

And the most amazing tribute to this amazing man and his influence is, I bought a guitar and am singing and playing again! I played in high school, at Vassar, and for years after, and sold my guitar about 10 years ago. Making music is back in my life!

I've been telling workshop audiences about Scott and playing his songs at workshops since I first learned of him.To listen to some of Scott's songs and find out more about him ...go to www.scottsongs.com AND REMEMBER TO TELL HIM YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM FROM ELIZABETH SEVERINO!

www.elizabethseverino.com