A Friend Beneath My Wings

By Scott Kalechstein

Did you ever have anyone think so highly of you that you avoided them at all costs? There is nothing more hazardous to maintaining a low self-image than someone who sees your magnificence and invites you to remember it for yourself. When I met my friend Stephen Feig I was like a small puppy with large paws. He played a significant role in helping me grow into myself. He showed me how I kept my spirit on a short leash, and he helped me trust myself enough to unleash my heart to the world. This is my way of sharing the deep gratitude I have for the gift of our friendship.

In July of 1987 I was just beginning to explore singing spontaneously created songs with healing intentions. One night there was a festive gathering in the Course in Miracles community where I lived. Late in the evening I took out my guitar and invited some folks to come into the center of a circle and receive a song. It was just something I was experimenting with, and I had no idea how profoundly it could touch people. Two days later I got a letter from someone who had been present in that healing circle and wanted to share his impressions. He wrote:

"Scott, I believe that your personalized songs are one of the most significant healing tools I have ever come across. The combination of music with spiritual affirmations goes deep into the subconscious to deprogram and reprogram. I believe that as your sensitivity grows, you'll be able to channel the perfect notes, words, rhythm and frequency to initiate healing from very deep levels. I see you being invited to healing gatherings worldwide to share your gifts. I see everyone as having their own song. I see this as happening right now. May I respectfully suggest that, to facilitate the process, you see yourself on a divine mission. Value your work, Scott, and more importantly, value who you are. As you see yourself worthy of receiving love, reward and appreciation, so will your work be more highly valued and sought after. You receive the reward you believe you deserve. Have you sung a song to yourself today, dear brother? My love is with you."

Your Friend,
Stephen Feig

The nerve of this guy! How dare he believe in me that much! Me, a skinny Jewish boy from Brooklyn on a divine mission? One of us was wrong about me, and for some time I was convinced that it was him. I would see Stephen around at various happenings and always chose to avoid him. When I couldn't he looked into my eyes with a piercing gaze, and I imagined his x-ray vision seeing all the guilty secrets I harbored. I was convinced he was judging me as a poor specimen of a human being. When one is as devoted to self-judgment as I was, it is hard, if not impossible, to imagine anyone not judging you.

Gradually I realized that Stephen was simply offering me love, and I was avoiding him because I was married to my own inner critic. The critic and I had an exclusive relationship, you see, and there was no room for an outsider who saw my greatness. I was rejecting Stephen because I was rejecting myself, and I was getting tired of it!

I began to call him on the phone and ask his advice on different topics. He often said things that challenged me and engaged me in painful self-reflection. I remember once when I was attracted to a friend of his. "How should I approach Valerie, Stephen?" I asked hopefully, wanting him to offer some tips on winning her over. His reply took me about seven years to digest. "Scott, my experience is that the more people think that the guidelines for creating romantic relationships are something vastly different from how friendships develop, the more their love relationships will be filled with drama, illusions and suffering." Ouch! I was not ready to consider that. I wanted support in wooing the princess, not in releasing my fantasy world.

I hung in there, calling him on a regular basis to show my interest in developing a friendship. One day we were both at the same conference. He asked to have some time with me. We walked outside and talked as we strolled through a beautiful garden. Never one to beat around the bush, he asked me directly, "Scott, you've been reaching out a lot to me these days. I'm honored, but also a bit confused. In the past you stayed at a distance. I'm curious what the change is about for you." I gazed into his eyes that invited, almost demanded honesty, with myself as well as with him. "Stephen, you have always believed in me a great deal more than I've believed in myself. In the past I have found that too intimidating to have a connection with you, but now I'm learning to love myself, and I'm realizing that I would be very blessed to have you as a friend." We hugged, and I realized that his friendship would stretch me way out of my comfort zone. I was ready, though. I had been comfortable long enough.

We began sharing many life adventures together. Stephen took a keen interest in helping me get my music out to the public. He introduced me to Bernie Siegel at Omega Institute, a personal growth center where Dr. Siegel was conducting a weekend seminar. "Bernie!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, "you have got to hear one of Scott's songs!" Nervously, I serenaded Bernie and his wife, aware that if he liked my music he might play a part in helping me with my young career. The next day he invited me to sing for hundreds of people at his workshop. That led to singing at more of Bernie's workshops, which led to all kinds of exciting connections.

Stephen was always pushing me out of the nest, forcing me to flap my butterfly wings before my mind had a chance to whip out my caterpillar ID card. When my eyes wanted to focus on the ground he would point towards the sky. One of his ideas was to go to California together and drive up the coast doing concerts and seeing the sights. Stephen had been there before, and had many friends and connections. I had never been west of Arizona.

It was springtime, 1991. Network Chiropractic, a group that had hired me a number of times to perform at their workshops in New York, invited me to sing at an event of theirs in Sedona, Arizona. I told Steve, and he immediately went into one of his inspirational seizures. "California, Scott! You can fly there from Sedona and meet up with me. It's now or never! Seize the day! Carpe Diem!!" Steve took care of all my concerns, including signing me up on his credit card so I could rent a car. (I had lived a plastic free life till then!)

California and I fell in love. With guitar in hand, I extended my music and myself, and was received everywhere as if I were family. When I wanted to hide and play it small, Stephen would nudge me out of my cave. One Sunday morning we visited the Unity Church in Santa Cruz. The service was about to begin, and as we entered he said, "Scott, go find the music director and tell him what you do and that you'd be happy to share a song with the congregation." "That's ridiculous, Stephen. This is a huge church. They plan their music program months in advance!" My personal trainer in self-promotion was not swayed by my fear disguised as logic. "Scott, it can't hurt to offer yourself. Who knows? Maybe today's performer didn't show up!" Begrudgingly, I went to find the music director, who just happened to be scrambling around trying to find a substitute for the morning's singer, who had just called in sick! When I told him I was available he looked at me as if I were an angel that just beamed down to answer his prayers. I sang a song, sold a bunch of tapes, and, drawing on the enthusiastic response of the congregation, put together a concert for the following evening in someone's home.

Time and time again, Stephen lit a fire under my behind and got my feet moving towards my dreams.

Once on that trip we were on our way to The Inside Edge, a breakfast club for prosperity-minded individuals who were seeking to integrate spiritual principles with success in the world. They had a speaker and a singer each week, and this week I was to be the singer. Stephen was coming along for the ride as my guest. As I was driving the car, I noticed him taking notes. "What are you doing?" I asked inquisitively. "I'm preparing my talk for The Inside Edge," he nonchalantly replied. "But you're not scheduled to speak there." "Scott, last night I had a dream that I was speaking at The Edge. It felt like guidance to me, so I'm preparing my lecture." "Oh."

Sure enough, upon arrival, we noticed the president looking at her watch, appearing quite concerned. The speaker for the morning was (surprise, surprise) not there! She asked if anyone would be willing to take his place, off the cuff. Notes in hand, Stephen took the podium and blew everyone away with an inspiring talk about how our suppressed emotions create our physical imbalances. This was life on the road with Stephen! Long before The Celestine Prophecy popularized the notion of synchronistic coincidences, Stephen was living them, one adventurous day at a time.

As time passed I noticed a delightful change in our relationship. I had placed Stephen up on a pedestal. He was, for a few crucial years, serving as the cables that jump-started my creative engine. As my belief in myself grew, I felt more in the driver's seat of my life, and more of a sense of equality with Stephen. Gradually, I grew out of looking up to him and began to look up with him. Eventually the man who had been my mentor, my motivational coach and my self-esteem guru, became my colleague and friend.

There is a part in the movie The Color Purple which demonstrates what Stephen has done for me. Celie, played by Whoopie Goldberg, had a habit of hiding her smile with her hands. Her new friend, Shug, lead her to a mirror. "Miss Celie!" she said encouragingly, "You have a beautiful smile!" Celie gazed at herself and began to smile. Her hands came up reflexively to cover her face in shame. Shug firmly took her hands, and with tough love forced Celie to witness herself smile. In that instant she caught a glimpse of her own beauty, and her radiance multiplied as she got out of her own way and let herself shine. That was her turning point. Through her relationship with Shug, Celie eventually found the strength to leave her abusive husband and start a new life.

Stephen, you have done the same service for me. Thank you for leading me to the mirror and restraining my hands long enough for me to behold my beauty. Your consistent love and support were my guiding lights when I was fumbling in the dark, reaching for a new life. You helped me create a lasting relationship with someone I had been very attracted to, but didn't know quite how to approach: myself! And for that I am eternally grateful. You have been an angel in my life. It is a joy to share the planet with you.


Described as a cross between John Denver, Eckhart Tolle, and Robin Williams, Scott Kalechstein has been a full time inspirational speaker, musician, writer, traveling reverend and transformational humorist since 1990, with nine CD's distributed internationally. He has spoken and sung and given concerts and workshops at over two hundred hundred New Thought Churches over the years, including Agape, Mile High, and at Unity Village. Scott has provided music at the lectures and workshops of Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Deepak Chopra, John Gray, Ram Dass, Byron Katie, Joan Borysenko, Alan Cohen, and Marianne Williamson, among many others. A pioneer in the field of music improvisation, Scott creates therapeutic "Song Portraits", original compositions of voice and guitar, created in the moment for people wishing greater clarity or guidance on specific issues, and recorded onto CD. His entertaining website is at www.scottsongs.com.

SCOTT'S 2009 SCHEDULE

NOVATO, CALIFORNIA

May 9 - I will be the featured devotional song leader at HeartSing at the Treehouse in Novato. For more info visit Linked text

ROWE, MASSACHUSETTS

May 22-25 - Every Memorial Day Weekend I offer my music to complement the love and wisdom of Joyce and Barry Vissell at a lovely and powerfully healing Couples Retreat. Committed relationships are supported, renewed, celebrated, and often helped through rough isssues. Contact Rowe at retreat@RoweCenter.org or call: (413) 339-4954 or visit Linked text

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

May 29 - I'll be giving a presentation entitled, A Course In Miracles...The Musical! This will be a healing and humurous concert for advanced and beginner students of A Coure In Miracles. Call Pamela for more info at (443) 616 - 7300.

NYACK, NEW YORK

May 30 - I will lead an evening workshop/concert/event on relationships at the Courageous Loving Center. Check out Linked text or call Michael at 845-653-1097 for more info.

HICKSVILLE, LONG ISLAND

May 31- Religious Science Long Island is proud to have me as the guest speaker and singer, which will be followed by a workshop I lead called Where Spirit & Relationships Meet. More info can be found by calling (516)-822-9314 or visiting Linked text

GLEN COVE, LONG ISLAND

May 31 - I will be leading an intimate, deeply moving Song Portrait Circle in the evening at the Mindworks Center For The Self. Call 631-269-5330 for more information. You can read all about Song Portrait Circles at: Linked text

AUBURN, CALIFORNIA

June 14 - I will be the guest speaker and singer at Unity of Auburn. In addition, after the second service I will be conducting a workshop called Where Spirit & Relationships Meet. Visit Linked text for more info or call 530-888-6489.



DENVER, COLORADO

June 24 - I will be offering a workshop/concert called A Course In Miracles- THE MUSICAL! at the Rocky Mountain Miracle Center. Call 303-759-3409 or visit
Linked text for the scoop.

BOULDER, COLORADO

June 25 - 28 - The International Society for the Study of Subtle Energies and Energy Medicine (ISSSEEM) - is having a conference on Bridging Science and Spirit. I will be the musical bridge and song weaver for that event. Visit Linked text for more details and info.


TORONTO, CANADA

October 15-19 - I'll be the conference troubadour and keynote comic once again at the 2009 Energy Psychology Conference in Toronto. Visit Linked text




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Help, I'm Lost!!

By Scott Kalechstein

I like to find my own way. Stopping to roll down the window to ask for direction is not something I do easily. Yet sometimes I need help… OK, often I need help. And sometimes I'm smart enough to ask for it….

Early in 2004 I stormed out of my mother's house in Brooklyn after yelling at her at the top of my lungs. In a few seconds I went from being a dormant volcano to some major erupting. The switch stunned both of us. After that we didn't talk for two years. No contact at all.

By the beginning of 2006 the hard feelings I was harboring had become unbearable. I'd dug my heels into a very cold, dark place, and all the forgiveness tricks and techniques I had learned over the years weren't making a difference. I couldn't seem to melt the ice around my heart with my own will.

On a freezing January morning in Ann Arbor, Michigan, I finally asked in prayer for some thawing out. I prayed for direction in how to give up this bitterness towards my mother. I told the universe that even while I didn't feel willing to forgive her, I wanted to become willing, and needed some assistance to get there. I had a good cry and, in finally admitting that I was lost and needed help, felt some relief.

An hour later when I walked into the bookstore at the Unity Church where I was about to speak, a little booklet by Marshall Rosenberg caught my eye. It was called ‘Getting Past The Pain Between Us' and I decided to bring it home. That night, browsing through it, I arrived at a section that said ‘Anger Towards Mother Role Play'.

As I started reading that page, the words of an unidentified male participant seemed strangely familiar. I went to the front of the book and to my amazement discovered that it contained a transcript of a workshop that took place in San Diego four years before - one that I attended and had somehow conveniently forgotten about. That section was a dialogue between Marshall and me, with him taking the role of my mother. He listened and responded to me with openness and compassionate understanding. Then he did his best to intuit and verbalize, in a way that I could hear and understand, my mother's deepest feelings and needs. Marshall was using the principals of Non-Violent Communication to translate our two very different dialects back into the root language of love.


What an intimate and glorious shock, to be led to this book the same day I got real before God, admitted my need, and asked for help. I had found our role-play helpful back then, but nowhere near as powerful and timely as I was experiencing it now. As I reviewed it, a warm, healing presence penetrated and flooded my body. Gentle tears softened the grip I had held around my grievances. I realized that I was in the midst of a miracle, and I gave thanks for so quickly experiencing the change of heart I had prayed for that very morning.


When I got home from that trip, I started a letter to my mom. With a combination of new willingness and some old trepidation, I sent the booklet to her along with the letter. This is what I wrote:


Dear Mom,

This is hard for me to write. I would love it if you and I could find a way to be in each other's lives again.

I was hoping you would reach out to me first. A part of me has been scared to let go of my anger. I want to protect myself from further pain. I don't know if I am able or ready to take it in stride when I perceive you putting me down and being critical of me with no regards for my feelings. I'm not even sure if that is a goal I want to have. I do know that this ‘not talking' is getting old and I'm ready to take a risk.

I'm sure we both have our reasons for letting this time pass and not picking up the phone. I can only guess that you feel similar to me…. deeply hurt, angry, and justified about not being in contact.

I'm very sorry I screamed at you last time we were together. I need to learn to do anger without letting it build up and taking it out on you. I regret how I vented at you with no regards for your feelings. In that moment I wanted to hurt you, to scare you in that moment, to show my fangs after so many years of feeling intimidated. Of course, none of this was deliberate, rehearsed, or conscious. I just blew up and acted out, and I apologize.

I miss you, Mom! I miss you caring about me and I even miss you worrying about me (once in a while). I wonder how you are and how you are doing?

So, I'm taking what feels like a big risk in sending you this little booklet, which contains a dialogue on page 24 between Marshall Rosenberg (founder of Non-Violent Communication) and me. It took place at a workshop Marshall was giving in San Diego in 2002, a few weeks before I would visit you in Brooklyn for Thanksgiving.

In the session Marshall role-played a non-defensive version of you. I was very candid with my feelings, especially my anger, in order to get my pain up and out and have it heard and understood. My intention was that in expressing and venting the anger in a therapeutic environment I wouldn't be bringing it home and dumping it on you. Some of the things I said may be hard for you to read. My hope is that you can feel how much I hurt, how much I love you, how much I want your love, caring, and respect, and how much I want to find a way of being in relationship with you without us hurting each other so deeply.

Mom, I want a non-violent relationship with you. I perceive that in our history together we both were violent. It was as if we were boxing. You would take frequent small, quick verbal jabs and I would hold my anger inside until I exploded with one big loud primal punch. Doing our relationship differently might require some work. Do you want that, too?

I'm somewhat afraid that sending you this letter and this booklet might somehow make things worse, but hey, we are not talking right now, so how much worse can it get?

One day I'd like you to meet Venus, the love of my life. I would think that the two of you would really enjoy each other.

One day I hope we can laugh together about all this and disagree respectfully when we don't understand each other or don't see eye to eye.


What do you say, mother of mine?

With Love,
Scott


A week after I sent it my mother called, and we had a very touching conversation. We both expressed joy at being back in contact, along with regrets, some new insights, and meaningful amends. After a few months of lively and delightful phone chats I went to NYC for a visit, and while it wasn't easy and smooth, it was very rewarding and heartfelt. We both had a willingness to put the past behind us and proceed with new beginnings. My mother got to meet Venus, and they had a great time getting to know each other. It was a joy for me to see them have instant rapport.

The next time someone or something is driving me crazy, I hope to be much more quick to take my foot off the accelerator, roll down the window, admit that I'm lost, and ask for direction.

My mom and I still speak two different dialects, and probably always will. It can be hard to relate to our relatives! But I'm beginning to realize that all we are ever really saying is either ‘I love you' or ‘ouch'. And to that I can always relate.

"The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love." --A Course in Miracles


Scott Kalechstein serves as a coach, singer, songwriter, speaker, humorist, recording artist, minister, and workshop leader. You can visit him in cyberspace at www.scottsongs.com. His music recordings are full of joyous, life-affirming songs for adults and children. To contact Scott e-mail him at scott@scottsongs.com. Non-Violent Communication, and the work of Marshall Rosenberg, can be found at: Linked text