The Fun Police

By Scott Kalechstein

"Why do dolphins leap joyful from the sea? Why do the morning birds sing? Why does the earth dance in trees and reach forests to the sun? Why do children play? The purpose of these realms is enjoyment. This is a recreational universe. When you remember the play that lifted your heart as a child, you will know the heart of God."

-Ken Carey, The Third Millennium

I have come to believe that how much joy I experience in any given moment pretty much boils down to how much permission I give myself to have it. Sounds simple enough, but for many of us, after a lifetime of withholding permission from ourselves, we might notice some subtle resistance to increasing our joy allowance.

A few years back I took it upon myself to really push the fun envelope and go for more creativity and joy. In the space of a few months I started up jazz guitar lessons, tennis lessons, and a comedy improv class. The one thing these activities had in common was that I enjoyed the hell (heaven?) out of them. I didn't do them for a future reward, self-improvement, profit motive, or esteem-boosting accolades: I was in it for the fun. In fact I began to be concerned that I was having too much fun. A few times, when people asked me how I was doing, I heard myself answer, "I'm having so much fun, the Fun Police are after me!"

Now I don't know where I picked up the idea of a Fun Police, but I seemed to have some affinity for it. It came out of my mouth, so I figured they must exist, even if just in my psyche. One morning I went into meditation and asked to speak to the Chief of the Fun Police, and, sure enough, was connected to his secretary, who set up an interview. Worried that I might not be able to maintain the objectivity needed for the dialogue, I contacted Larry King, who graciously agreed to conduct a private interview, and here it is:

Larry: Thank you very much for taking the time to talk to me.

Fun Police Chief: No problem, but I've got five minutes and then it's back to my job.

Larry: And what exactly is that, your job?

Chief: I'm on the lookout for Scott having too much fun, spontaneity, gaiety, laughter, joy...you know, that sort of thing.

Larry: There's a danger? Someone could have too much?

Chief: Well, if Scott has too much fun, he stops thinking about all the things that are wrong with him and his life. He could get real lazy about trying to fix himself, which in my opinion, he already is- already lazy, that is, not already fixed! Fun, if it isn't balanced with a generous helping of unpleasantness, is downright irresponsible!

And, if he's not suffering and struggling, even just a little bit every day, how deserving could he be of any joy that comes his way? We at the Fun Police have to make sure there's a limit to Scott's good feelings and good times. It's a public service we are proud to perform.

Larry: How do you get him to stop having fun? He seems to really like it.

Chief: Well, it used to be easy enough. A little guilt, properly applied, has always gone a long way. Whispering the ‘s' word in his ear (as in "Scott, you're being Selfish!") used to shut him down real fast.

What's making my job hard lately is that he's entertaining some dangerous notions that if he really went all out with, we wouldn't be able to control him anymore. He'd be off just having a good time, while we'd be dealing with lay-offs here at the station.

Larry: Oh, I see. And what, in a nutshell, are these new ideas?

Chief: If I tell you, you have to promise not to print them or air them on your show. No one who reads Scott's writings should see them. Part of my job is to prevent chaos from breaking out, and these are pretty revolutionary ideas, especially if they fall into the hands of the wrong people. You wouldn't want the masses quitting their jobs and letting their inner children run wild in the streets, now would you? It would wreak pandemonium!

Larry: Oh, yes, I can see what you mean. All right, I promise not to disclose what you say, scout's honor. (Larry crosses his fingers behind his back, nullifying his promise.)

Chief: OK, then I'll tell you. Scott is starting to consider that unconditional, across-the-board self-acceptance might be more valuable to his soul than waging war against his faults and inadequacies. He's getting more and more gentle and patient with himself, even imagining there is some kind of ‘Divine Purpose' to his weaknesses and stumblings, that he's evolving and growing at a perfect pace, and that all is well. How can we do our job against ideas like that?

Also, whenever he was having too much fun, we would remind him to remember all of the suffering in the world. Against that tactic he was defenseless, and it usually would spoil his party fast. Nowadays he just shoots back, "All the more reason to have fun. Somebody's got to maintain the joy vibration so people in pain are inspired to see there's another way."

Oh, and another thing: Scott's really into meditation lately, and that's even more bad news for us. When he meditates, he goes into a witness state, and just watches his thoughts and feeling pass by without judging them or trying to make them go away. Sometimes he even witnesses the Fun Police at work. When he's doing that, we can't get to him at all, cause he's under the Witness Protection Program.

Larry: I can see why you're worried about your job.

Chief: And I've got to get right back to it. Scott's starting to smile and laugh while he's typing this article.

Larry: Well, Chief, thank you for your time, and for your commitment to serve and protect Scott from too much fun.

Chief: No problem.


Scott Kalechstein makes his living helping people elude the Fun Police. He is wanted in fifty states and assorted foreign countries for breaking and entering people's hearts, as well as for creating the peace. If you have (or want) information about his whereabouts, please email scott@scottsongs.com, visit www.scottsongs.com or call the twenty four hour emergency Scott Line: 415-721-2954.


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MARIN, CA

Sunday, November 25 - Celebrations Of Love has hired me to share devotional sing-alongs and spontaneously created gratitude songs at a Discovering Our Gratitude evening event in Marin County. 6 pm Socialize & Potluck, 7:30 to 10:30 Spirit Event With Lori Grace Star and music and song with Sophia and myself. If you plan to hot tub, please bring a towel.
Where: Marin location given with paid registration
Cost: $20 Suggested donation to help cover costs for musicians, etc.
Plus a potluck dish to share. Please, no alcoholic beverages.
Pre-Reg Required. Register by Phone. 415-924-5483

SAN DIEGO, CA

December 1 - I'll be down in Encinitas giving a house concert. Email me at scott@scottsongs.com for more info.

December 2 - I will be guest speaking and singing and leading a workshop at the Alpine Church of Spiritual Living at their 10:00 a.m. Celebration Service. It's at the Alpine Mobile Home Estates (Clubhouse), 2400 Alpine Blvd., Alpine, CA. Call 619-445-6459 for more info. After the service there will be a lunch potluck, and after that I will present a workshop for singles and couples celebrating the joys, challenges, and spiritual growth opportunities of love relationships. It's called...Where Spirit & Relationships Meet, 12:30 - 3:30 p.m. Cost: $35.00

MENDOCINO, CA

December 8 - I'll be offering a fully day Song Portrait Circle workshop. Visit Linked text to learn more about Song Portraits, and visit Linked text for the contact church that is sponsoring the workshop, which is the Mendocino Religious Science Center for Spiritual Awakening.

December 9 - I'll be the guest speaker and singer at the Mendocino Religious Science Center for Spiritual Awakening. Following the service, I'll be leading a workshop on relationships. Please visit Linked text for the scoop.


NEW WINDSOR, MARYLAND

August 8, 2008 - August 10, 2008 - I'll be leading workshops, speaking and sharing my music at a weekend called Be the Love, just outside of Baltimore. Visit Linked text for more info.

TORONTO, CANADA

October 24 - 27 - I'll be the conference troubadour at the tenth annual Energy Psychology Conference in Toronto. Visit Linked text

CosmoPuritan Magazine

(Picture a priest on the front cover revealing his chest cleavage, displaying a large cross that he is stroking seductively)

IN THIS ISSUE:

HOW TO KNEEL FOR YOUR CREATOR
Ten prayer positions that make it impossible for Him not to notice you! Also, what to do before getting on your knees; twelve little known techniques for great fore-pray!

HOW TO PEEL FOR YOUR CREATOR
Seven saucy secrets on how to get naked before God. Confessions so bare, He'll grant you more than just forgiveness! The one sin at a time method of stripping down to your birthday soul and heating up the booth with your truth!

DRIVING GOD WILD BY BLOWING IN HIS EAR
It's really true! The Lord loves big breaths! Find out how and why sighs really do matter!

JESUS LOVES YOU, THIS YOU KNOW... NOW, GET HIM TO COMMIT!
Use the Law of Attraction to hook your Savior for life. Plus, a Cosmo exclusive reveals ten new secrets and laws they didn't teach you in Seminary School.

OPUS DAYS & MORMON NIGHTS
The leaders of two famous schools of faith share 108 things you're dying to know about great mind-blowing sects!


A Scott Kalechstein Creation


Scott Kalechstein works effortlessly day and night preparing the planet for 2012 and the end of seriousness. He can be tickled at www.scottsongs.com